a child is born in sweat and pain

Eighteen months ago, last Saturday, our little man joined us. Eighteen months. That means I've taken 18 months to write his birth story. So here it is. Feel free to just ignore this post. I'm sure most people won't care to read it, since you've heard the story and know how it ends. But I promised myself I'd publish it by this 18th mesaversary because I tend to take my sweet time with everything. I'll include some day-of photos just to keep it interesting (not of me in the hospital pre-birth, we only have one), and so you can remember that this sweet chub of a boy used to be tiny, tiny, tiny. And have long skinny legs. Which are kind of making an appearance again.


Please remember this story took place in December 2010, eighteen months ago...

 

It all started at 2:30 on December 15th, in the morning when I got up to, once again!, empty my squashed bladder. 

I felt contractions, which wasn't anything new, I'd been having contractions for about two weeks. But when I got back to bed I realized they were regular and fairly close together. So I pulled out my phone and timed them. They were about five minutes apart and lasting about 30 seconds. It was exciting to finally have something real going on, but I knew I shouldn't get too excited because things can stop. I also thought if this were the big day, I'd need some rest so I nodded off back to sleep. More like half-sleep, thanks to the excitement and the regular, uncomfortable contracting of my uterus. 

Mr. Yin had his last final scheduled for that morning at 8:30. I didn't bother to wake him up because I knew he needed his sleep to feel ready for his final, and I didn't want it to be a false alarm. I waited until he woke up and then announced, I'm pretty sure I'm in labor.
And then when I went to empty my bladder again, there was some blood, something I hadn't seen in a long time!! After a few hours of keeping it a secret, it was nice to finally have someone to share the excitement with! We got up and had breakfast and then he headed off to his test, with directions to have his phone on just in case things picked up rapidly. 

See, at my last midwife appointment, she thought that, thanks to the extremely low positioning of Edible's head, my labor would most likely progress very rapidly. That was on Friday. I was barely starting to dilate. This was Wednesday, and I was in labor. I was nervous it would escalate quickly and we'd be stuck giving birth in the car! Everyone's first-time fear, right? 

Things did progress while Mr. Yin was away, but not rapidly. I diddled around, finished up some sewing projects, tried to tidy things up, mostly just walking around, feeling contractions. And they were getting closer and closer together. 

We were supposed to have a family iChat at 8:30 to make sure we knew how to do it when the kiddos all arrived. I thought I would be able to join in. But no one was online on time. Then I realized it wasn't supposed to be until 9:30. By then, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. So when Herman called wondering where I was, I said I think I'm in labor and I don't feel like being in labor and everyone watching. I didn't want to be the freak show. I called the midwives to see who was on call that day. There was a particular midwife we were hoping to deliver us, and one we were hoping to not deliver us and we felt fine about the other two. When I got through to the nurse I found out Lisa (one we felt fine about) was on call. We also learned we could go into the clinic for a "labor check". We were told we wouldn't have to wait, they'd see us right away. 

We had been told not to come in for delivery until contractions were so painful I couldn't talk through them. And that's what I was planning on. Except my contractions were 1-2 minutes apart, lasting about 30 seconds. I thought that indicated things were getting close. And I thought maybe I had a super high tolerance for pain and maybe others couldn't talk through theirs, but I was wicked strong. Ha! How niaive I was, thinking those were at all painful!!

So I told the nurse where things were: kind of painful, close together, with some spotting, but no broken water--as far as I could tell. She said come on in for a labor check. By the time Mr. Yin got home, I was getting more and more uncomfortable. And slightly nervous. You know, about having a baby in the car. We hung around for about an hour, finished packing the hospital bag, making sure we had all the cables and chargers we needed. I filled the food bag with peanut butter and honey sandwiches to keep my energy up during labor. And then I decided we should go to the clinic for that check. Just to know where we were. I was confident they'd send us right over to the hospital. 

Into the car. With the special hospital blanket underneath me incase any bodily fluids decided to join in the fun. And of course we hit every red light on the way: lights that are never red. And then there was some construction. Honestly?! I was getting pretty uncomfortable, and being in the car, timing contractions left me bit on edge. 

At the clinic, they did see us pretty quickly. But we did still have to wait a bit in the lobby, which was kind of embarassing, because I was obviously uncomfortable, and very far along. Tiffany was the midwife we saw. She was so relaxed and encouraging. She checked my cervix. The first of many times that day. And lo and behold, I was dilated to a whopping two centimeters. Two. We had to get to ten before anything could really happen. Tiffany recommended checking into the hospital at four centimeters, and with the formula of one centimeter per hour, she recommended either going home or walking around for two more hours. Ugh. Neither sounded very enticing. And again, thinking I would progress quickly, going home seemed silly, just in case. Still didn't want to have a baby in the car!

I got dressed. Had some more contractions before heading back to the lobby. While I stood there contracting before heading out to the lobby, the receptionist asked if I was okay. Yeah, I'm just in labor. Not exactly comfortable. Little did I know this discomfort was a mere flicker of what was to come.

We got back in the car and decided we'd go eat lunch. Maybe Walmart? There isn't much in the area. So, yeah, we went to Walmart to walk around and encourage labor to move right along. It was the fanciest Walmart we've ever seen. They had an ice cream counter. We walked around for a while, but I started to feel self-conscious and silly walking around, obviously very uncomfortable. Mr. Yin grabbed a few snacks to keep himself energized and we went back to the car. The idea was to eat our peanut butter sandwiches and apples and maybe take a nap. We ate the sandwiches and I decided we needed to go to the hospital. I was still nervous about having a baby in the car. 

So we went. To the Phoenix Baptist Hospital. And checked ourselves in. Mr. Yin checked us in and I walked around breathing through contractions. 

We finally got upstairs to the Labor and Delivery Unit and I changed into the hospital gown and they hooked me up to the monitor, and the triage nurse checked to see how far dilated I was. Can we stop right here and say how uncomfortable that is? Especially when your baby's head is pressing on the birth canal and they have to go around his big old noggin to get to the cervix. The triage nurse was very encouraging about my decision to go natural. And she understood that I wanted to be up and moving, not strapped to the monitor so after the required 20 minutes, she unstrapped me and let me walk. Because after all that time walking and resting, I was still only dilated two centimeters. I walked and walked. And all of a sudden I felt the need to expunge my lunch. That is a feeling I have not had since I was 16. But I gave in and felt so much better. I got some toothpaste and continued with a fresh minty taste in my mouth. I walked some, rested some, threw up some and labored. 

After a while the triage nurse said I could stay or go home, it was up to me. All signs pointed to me being in labor, but not dilating very rapidly, or at all, really. We talked about it and decided to just stay put because we didn't want to have to drive all the way home only to turn right back around and come back. And I still thought that the delivery might happen quickly. Why I kept thinking this after 12 hours of labor, I have no idea. I think most first-time moms have an irrational fear about having a baby in the car. 

So we got assigned a giant labor and delivery room. Giant. We could have had a dance party in there. I was still pretty excited at this point. The triage nurse had asked me, on a scale of one to ten, how bad did my contractions hurt? I said six. (Reassessed to a two after the delivery.) They hurt, it was more difficult to talk through them, but I was still very much aware of everything going on. I tried bouncing on the birthing ball. For some reason it wasn't very comfortable. We tried playing cards, I wasn't attentive enough to have that go very far. I think I ate an apple and then it came right back up. 

Lisa, the midwife, came in to see how we were doing and to let us know she'd be in a scheduled c-section for the next while, but that I didn't seem to advancing very quickly and would I be okay. What did I know? I had Mr. Yin with me and so we just kept at it while Lisa welcomed another baby into the world. I listened to my music, and tried to rest. The rest wasn't really happening because the contractions were pretty uncomfortable at this point. I tried singing along, but it mostly came out as moans. So I moaned the lyrics. 

After a while Lisa came back and this time we talked about options. I was still only dilated two centimeters. Experiencing what they call promordal labor: all the effort, none of the outcome. And I was only losing energy, especially since I couldn't keep anything down. So she gave me some options: Keep doing what we were doing, the baby would eventually come, Hurry the process along by breaking my water, Get a shot of morphine so I could get some rest to get ready for the big event and then break my water to get the party started. She would have supported any of the choices. She did, however, wonder if I'd have enough energy to deliver a baby since I couldn't keep my food down and I was already going on fumes. Mr. Yin and I thought the morphine sounded like a good option, as long as it wouldn't effect the baby. It wouldn't. 

So I got the shot. In my butt, of course. And drifted off to a very strange land where I could feel every single contraction and they still hurt, but just didn't seem to care. I think that meant I got to rest anywhere from 30 seconds to two minutes every one to two minutes. I can't remember how long the morphine worked, but I know when I came out of la-la land I felt so much better. I had energy and, beyond the stabbing contractions in my abdomen, felt great. 

When Lisa came back, I was dilated to a 5 and we decided to get the show on the road and break my water. They use a crochet-hook looking needle to break the sac and then GUSH! out came all the fluid. And with the fluid went the less-painful labor. I had no idea I could experience that much pain. My contractions were already very close, and now they were close and intensely painful. Lisa suggested the tub might help ease the pain a bit, so I made my way over to the nice warm tub. And there I stayed for the next four hours. On all fours. Mr. Yin poured cups of warm water over my shoulders and back to keep me warm, and it made all the difference. Besides the very primitive sounds coming out of my mouth--roars, moans, etc.--I was a silent laborer. And by that I mean I didn't talk. The sounds were pretty constant. 

This is where I had to go to a different place in my mind. In our birth class we had drawn pictures of our ideal birth and that's where I ended up. My sisters and friends and mom were there, some who had given birth, some who were going to be doing it soon. I remember talking to them, feeling encouraged by them, and being grateful for their strength. I specifically remember talking things over with Erica, so thanks E! 

About two hours into the intense pain, I realized why women get epidurals: to avoid exactly what I was experiencing. And I got it. It made so much sense. It was a moment of clarity for me. But I decided I was going to keep going. I'd done physically hard things before and I wasn't afraid. I never doubted that I'd be able to do it. 

At one point, I decided I was too cold and I wanted to get out of the tub. There was a counter next to the tub with two sinks. So I grabbed onto the counter to help get out (Mr. Yin was helping too, but I needed to grab something stable and hard). And before I knew it, it got that much more painful. I stayed there for a good long while, grabbing the faucet (I'm surprised it didn't come out of the wall!), dripping wet, moaning with each contraction. They were right on top of each other because I didn't have time to go any further than to standing. Mr. Yin said this was the hardest part for him to watch. He felt helpless, and I was standing there naked, dripping blood and moaning. Sometimes we forget the fathers in all the story telling of labor, but I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch the person you love most in the world in inexplicable pain, and to feel totally helpless. 

Somehow, I can't remember how--most likely with a lot of help from Mr. Yin and maybe Lisa? I made it back to my bed. I was freezing. I'd read all the books that say laboring on your back isn't at all helpful to getting the baby out. Ever obedient, even in the throes of labor, I laid down on my side and had Mr. Yin cover me. I of course hadn't taken the time to dry off, so I was wet and cold. 

I think Lisa must have been in the room when I moved from the tub to the bed, because shortly thereafter she let me know I was dilated to a 9.5. So close! But I also knew we were getting to the point where I needed to push. These contractions were getting almost unbearable, and every time they checked my cervix, it felt like the contractions were 100x worse. I did not enjoy that in the least. Lisa didn't want me to start pushing, but I felt like I had to push or just give up entirely and call it all a failure and go home to remain forever pregnant. 

So I started pushing. Lisa was massaging my perineum and offering encouraging words. And Mr. Yin stayed up by my head and let me hold/squeeze/death grip his hands. However, pushing wasn't doing any good. At this point Lisa suggested I might have better luck on my back, even though it's supposed to be the worse position!, but I trusted her and she was right. Pushing was now moving things forward. And then Lisa informed me she was going in to open my cervix around the head because he had overshot the opening. And this, ladies--and gentlemen, if there are any still reading at this point!!--was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Hands down. Oh for the love of all things holy did it hurt. 

But it must have worked. And back I went to pushing. That's the thing with labor, even though you have just experienced the most painful thing in your life, you have zero seconds to catch your breath and prepare for more. I remember reading in the books that while pushing, to focus all energy into the push, not a scream. So I did. I mean I didn't scream, but I still moaned. But it wasn't working right until Lisa told me to focus the moaning energy into the push as well. I guess that advice clicked because that's when he started to crown.  Even Mr. Yin reported that he'd seen a head. A few more pushes and Lisa said "Do you want to come here and help?" and Mr. Yin let go of me to go catch our baby. Then Lisa said "Do you want to reach down and pull out your baby?" And yes. Yes I did!

Twenty-four hours after it all began, I reached down and pulled out a slimy little being, who was still attached to me via umbilical cord, and laid him on my chest. "What is it? Is it a boy or a girl?" Mr. Yin said "It's a boy!" and I said "Are you sure? Are you sure that's not just the umbilical cord?" "It's a boy!" he said. 

Boy indeed. 

We examined him and marveled at his big feet and long fingers. 

I didn't feel any rush of loving emotion with tears right then. What I did feel was euphoria. Absolute bliss. And joy. I could not stop smiling. I couldn't believe it. And the pain? Gone. Just like that. Replaced with the most amazing feeling in the world. I don't even remember delivering the placenta. I just remember asking to see it. I was so curious about this organ I had grown. It looked like an organ.

They took our boy to the corner to weigh and measure him, and I told Mr. Yin to go be with him. Seven pounds, six-and-a-half ounces. Twenty inches of perfection.

Lisa and the nurse, Jamie, then started the procedure of stitching me up. Lisa said she was going to give me a bit of novacain for the stitches, and I asked if it was going to hurt. And then I laughed. Of course it wasn't going to even compare to what I had just experienced. 

I must have gotten some sleep over the next 48 hours, but I don't remember it. I do remember not being able to stop staring at our little man. He went from puffy and wet and purple/pink, to smooth and lovely and perfect in a few hours. 

We named him Huntington Zhi Qin Yin for a day. And it was too much name for a tiny little man. A tiny little angel. We agreed Edmund was more fitting. And it is. Edmund Davis Zhi Qin Yin. The longest name in the world, for the sweetest little boy.